i'm a runner; i run. that's what i do.

yep, you heard right, i'm a runner now, meaning i've run twice in the past five days. not bad; i'm shooting for every other day, but frisbee got in the way once. yeeha (i really am pumped). i'm running a 5k in march (the big engine that could, right?)

but in real news, God is proving faithful (not really news, i guess): friends are really beginning to warm to each other here, and it seems that we're beginning to learn what being one body means. honestly, what kills me about blogging and stuff is that i can only use 'me' pronouns. now, even that difficulty in me doesn't point to an honest desire to see myself decrease, at least not necessarily; it only really points out that i notice how self-absorbed i actually am. and there's no way outside of God's work in us for us to defeat this. it seems a thousand miles away, but it's our hope, as the Church, that God would reduce us and that he would become greater. then the Church can truly be and work in that one substance of  his Spirit that knits us together. but i think we'll be yearning for a lifetime.

i miss you guys, and it was so great to be passed around last night. reunion at a wedding, can you beat it?

(i submit that you cannot!)

and here's last week's journal (shout out francisco):

So I think I figured out what this place really is: a DTR with the future. Here’s the parallel, for me anyway:

 

            In my life I’ve got a pattern of sorts (I use ‘pattern’ fairly loosely) – get to know girl, become close to girl, maybe start to like girl (optional), potential of relationship actually becomes possibility and approaches that crucial ‘we need to talk’ type situation; and then, usually no matter how enticing the possibility of relationship had looked up to that point, I flee in the opposite direction as fast as possible with my fingers in my ears, absolutely terrified of the reality of all of the thoughts I’d entertained. So it seems I really love dancing with the idea of relationships, but as soon as the responsibility reveals itself to own up to what I’ve felt, I freak out and run away with a goofy grin on my face, at least so far.

            Well, I treat the future in a similar way. Most of us have probably grown up hearing and subscribing, at least in some way, to the classic saying “you can be anything you want to be.” Cool, I guess. But in the fantastical place of “potential,” of entertaining possibilities in my mind of how far or influential or important or visible or ideal my future could be, I can be everything I want to be, not just any one thing.

            So, at least, TFA is a place where God (through his match-making minion David Norman) sits me down on the couch with my future, who looks at me and says, “We need to talk.” And maybe here, by the grace of God, I won’t just squirm awkwardly or run away from what I see as the impending confinement of a degree program, a hungry church, a frontier mission, a tenure track, a book-filled office, or a pro-wrestling championship (who knows?). Maybe God will let me see all the glory and vanity of my “potential” turn into the humble beauty of real life, real service, real success...anything real.

houston, we have a problem: i'm comfortable in a blazer.

uh-oh. i was prepped out to the max tonight, and it actually felt ok, like my clothes didn't burn my skin or anything.

anyway, what happened was that someone somehow in charge of something (his name is bob) threw us a big kick-off dinner with all the hotshots connected to the academy, among them (like i knew who the crap these people were) were al sikes, former fcc head dude, and ed meese, reagan's attorney general. so we ate dinner, schmoozed with folks, and introduced ourselves to the people who are kind of paying for us to be here.

and it was awesome. my parents made it up here for it, and we had a great time this weekend. the dinner was an extremely encouraging and humbling experience that showed that we have a lot, a LOT of godly people who support us in a thousand big ways, not the least of which is in a vitally committed prayer life. seeing the vision of tfa from this perspective really made me understand more of what i'm here for and what God may do with me here. anyway, i'm pumped. and everyone should come hang out up here, it's beautiful.

and if you want, here's my last journal entry for class. it's about you (maybe less directly than you might think. but you deserve a thousand pages; i couldn't even begin...):

Now that we’re here and friendships are becoming established, my initial fears are almost completely dissolved. No one seems to hate me, Dawn hasn’t bitten my head off, and I am actually capable of making a bed (even if it isn’t mine). But there is one fear whose ugly head seems to rise above the others as they are dispelled. Getting significantly close to anyone means that, sooner or later, you’re going to have to encounter and deal with each other’s sin. Still, it’s not really rejection over my own mess that makes me worry; I’m scared of being trusted with someone else’s mess, let alone 13 or so.

            The kind of trust, vulnerability, and openness that seem to be called for here and that I’ve heard last year’s class talk about are a sort of stepping out on a limb, a limb that they’re expecting everyone else, as the Church, to hold up. But I get distracted; my grip fails, my eyes wander. In being trusted by anyone, I carry immense potential to do violence to people I want to love.

            I don’t know if everyone’s picked up the chip I have on my shoulder towards Christian music, but in the depths of my cynicism I have severe difficulty not gritting my teeth to the point of breaking them every time I hear a pleasantly sung heresy or see a leather-clad saint raking in the praise of gullible fans. Even so, I still have my guilty pleasures, and Bebo Norman really sums up what I’m fearing; “Every single heart that I have held / in my hands, my clumsy hands / I’ve fumbled them around until they fell / it’s much safer ground just keeping to myself.”

            So that’s what terrifies me. I’m scared of retreating into isolation for fear of the damage I could cause. I feel inept to care for anything entrusted to me – money, a body, a voice (like representative, not singing or anything), a gift – but what trumps them all is being entrusted with a brother, with a sister. In fact, I’m willing to bet everything on my failure. But one thing even more certain than my coming up short is the completion promised in the gift of the Holy Spirit who offers healing for hurt hearts, reconciliation for broken friendships, and a golf cart to the finish line when we would fall and fail utterly were it not for the intercession of Christ on our behalf.

            So “Fear denies life,” Hannah said. Yeah, because life happens together, not in the anxiety of self-sentenced exile.

 

that's it. i'm just gonna have to blog.

(i'm sorry this is long; and it's probably only important to me.)

things to look forward to:

-waiting a dinner table for IJM's top 15 staff thursday

-meeting ishmael beah at my boss's wife's bookstore saturday

-being reunited with all of those close friends who have come to be so far off. who knows when.

today was just too good; it kind of demands a journalizing of some sort. but i'll start with yesterday.

the possibility of going to the sudan in some capacity with make way partners is as much in my mind as ever (surprise mom and dad!), so having spent so much time here talking about 'vocation' and trying to understand all areas of life as Gospel-centered, the subject has come up. i was showing a friend of mine the video on the MWP website when God revealed a weakness in my faith. just after showing some of the desperation experienced in that country, the narrator (kimberly smith) asks, "is there hope for the sudan?" and i just squirmed in unbelief. because, between the rhetorical question and the answer, i saw my forgiveness, redemption, and sanctification hanging in the balance. somehow, i saw my sin (our sin) as tied up in the same horrible problem as all of the violence and oppression in the world. and i faltered. until the narrator answered 'yes,' all of my thoughts said 'no! we're hopeless down here! my sin is too great!' and there it was - i forgot about the resurrection. i forgot about victory! (from here i get theoretical, but it's pretty honest; i'll research it later) the broken condition of fallen humanity and the sin of the church are destined for termination, by the grace of God! and they are (maybe) not two goals, but one - that God's people would be redeemed into perfect harmony, and that his creation would be healed of its upheaval on a global level. if God, through Christ's life, death, and resurrection, can conquer sin, he can, with the same Gospel, through the Holy Spirit in the Church, renew society. whew.

in events today (the 4th), i woke up at 7 and translated colossians with a couple friends here. after that, we had matins at eight. the service today was kind of special, particular. you really can't underestimate the power that there can be in spending a little time in study or something before worshiping together (something we're studying, conforming our lives to the disciplines of Christ's as a part of grace; being freed to obedience, living in the 'new life' under the resurrection). after matins came class, which was on what i just mentioned in parentheses ('the spirit of the disciplines' by dallas willard) and a chapter from 'the cost of discipleship' by dietrich bonhoeffer (bonhoeffer's better). it was cool, and full. then i worked in the kitchen for a shift, which was pretty fun.

at 3 though, after the work day, we had a guest speaker who is the father in a missionary family from cairo, and he spoke to us for about an hour about life and God's work there.

and He's active. and i wanna be part of his work, i don't wanna miss out on the kind of sacrifice he patterned for us and demanded from his apostles. obedience looks like such a joy today - the joy. but i don't doubt my ability to leave it behind for something very familiar and entirely less interesting. i should get 'prone to wander' tattooed on my forehead. every inch of me is idolatrous. 

so anyway, if anyone ends up reading this, i'm praying to the end that we, WE, together, live in light of the resurrection, following Jesus at every turn.